All too late

by Shaelyn
(Woodstock, GA USA)

It only makes it worse that my parents abused me. I've always come to wonder when would be the right time to end this madness.....end it all.

I always wonder how I get through with this. I can't find any real happiness anymore.

I've lost the ability to smile in true happiness.

It's only being devious that I smile. The only reason I live is something I cannot answer myself.

I don't know why I still keep myself up here. When all I am doing is knocking myself down. When is the right time to go?

If someone/something doesn't do it to me then I'll have to do it myself.

I hate being like this. Unacknowledged and hated. Every good word I hear must be a lie. Why don't I just die.

They've said it but did they prove it, never. Why do I stay, it's time to run away, forget it all but I cannot. I'm trapped in this cage.

Naked and cold. Blood gushing out my wounds. Whimpering in fear of the pain to come. I cannot run. Get me out... If only you could.

Sadly that can't be made. The dreams are nightmares of reality. Nothing great has ever come...I'm tired of having to fight, having to hurt, having to scream.

I wish it were all a bad dream. I'm only a rat. When will I be made dead, laying on your hat. This surely wasn't supposed to be my fate. But it's all to late. Don't you say it will get better.

I've once believed that lie and it only hurt more. Well I'm not going to destroy others so I can be better. Why can't I be seen. Every time I try, I fuck up. And I end up nearly having a heart attack everytime I'm able to barely get there.

Always picked last. But destroyed first. I've tried to kill myself three weeks ago. I ingested cyanide from a dangerous plant. And I'm ready for the next course. The dessert. After its all done.

My soul will be used to pay. And I will have my final wish. Nothing in existence. As all will be over.

There's just no use in continuing. The circle just keeps repeating. Everyone else is too stupid to see. There's nothing productive if the cycle repeats over and over.

Becuz nothing is left from it. It's used to restart the process. Even if the hardest times pass, you're still not free. You get payed for it. Pushed to do work for the candy. There isn't true freedom. They still hate you. Everyone does. There was only one time in my life I've been truly loved. And it only lasted a few mere seconds. How long can I go.

The cliff is breaking apart. Faster everyday. There is no escape in sight. Having to deal with the everlasting blight. I can't throw it away. Becuz everytime I do. It comes running back to me. The leech never leaves. Why do I keep lying to myself.

Nobody ever gets what they truly want. Unless they've been blessed with the privilege. A billionaire could get whatever he wanted. And I'm only a peasant. A blemish in the sky. A speck of dirt on your glove. I'm only a rat. When will I be made dead, laying on your hat. This surely wasn't supposed to be my fate. But it's all too late.