I Need Hope
I have lost all hope. I think many of us who are depressed lose hope.
My mother died when a tornado hit the church she was in. Then I took care of my dad for 9 years. The last two years he had prostrate cancer.
All my grandparent are dead. My sister was pregnant when my mother died so she was put on bed rest for three months. So I took care of my dad and her. Her husband is emotionless and was no help to her.
I had to stay with her every night because she was not allowed to go up and down stairs. Her husband worked third. I got up every time with the baby. Then three months after the birth she got pregnant again and was put on bed rest again.
So here I go again cleaning her house cooking supper etc. I love the children as if they are my own. We got in a routine of all eating together on Friday nights and Sunday dinner when my dad when he was living.
After my dad died, and we settled the estate, she cut me off totally from the kids. I am not allowed in their house. I haven't been there in 10 years now. I have occasionally seen my neice at football games, beauty pageants etc.
My sister only calls when she needs something from me. Someone to go with her when she has no one else to go with her, do something for her, or to get something I still have from my parents. I also have an older sister who has cut me off.
I went to every event my niece had which is over three hours away. Every dance recital, every graduation etc. Now at my oldest nieces wedding I got shunned and I don't know what I did. One night it was fine and the next day my sister and niece wouldn't even speak to me. My niece wouldn't even look at me or let me take her picture. She has blocked me on Facebook as well. I tried to have kids of my own but couldn't. I had about 6 miscarriages. Just waited too late taking care of everybody else. I had a falling out with my father's sisters when he was sick and dying.
They had always treated us like step children. They finally admitted they thought my mother was trash. Even though my father's family could never stay in the same house and we're poorer than my mother's family.
And my mother took care of their mother cause they all live far away. So I don't have contact with that side of the family. I have tried to forgive and make amends with them but they continue to treat me as an outcast.
I even tried foster care and had 4 children in my home. We were up front with them before we started the program and told them we were gay. They said it would not be a problem. Completed all the classes got all the approvals and had 4 sisters placeed in our home.
After 60 days they came to our house to tell us they were removing the children and revolving our license because we were gay. Devistating!
Then the company I worked for 23 years closed. I was able to get another job in the same town at lesser pay. Worked there for about 18 months and got laid off. Spent another 18 months looking for a job. Had several interviews but no job. Finally got hired over an hour away at even less pay. 60 days later got another offer at a company I wanted to work for. Again it was still not at the pay I had before and it was 45 min away.
Took that job and worked my way up in 4 years. Finally was making head way with my bills since I had lived off credit cards for 18 months. Cut back on vacations and any extra expenses.
Now I have been terminated due to a small group not liking me and going to hr on me. Because I was making changes that were improvements and they didn't want to be held accountable. Everyone but the few were shocked because I was terminated because I worked so hard and helped all departments. I had nothing but good reviews. Now they have denied my unemployment not that it would be much anyway.
well that is my story. I am so depressed I can barely get out of bed. I can't sleep at night. I lay there and think of how they did me. How others could do things worse than me and keep their job. Thinking of all the people who were against me succeeding. How hr be lived the lies told about me. Then I am up to 2 or 3 in the morning and sleep all day.
I have nightmares about that place. I cry
I keep hoping my sister will change and reconnect with me. She only lives three miles from me. I am on Paxil but it seems to put me on a fog. I am going through menopause and my doctor won't give me hormones because I smoke. I think I could have dealt with the pressures of work if I had of had hormones. I worked 14 hours a day. And seeing others not carry g their load would get on my nerves . I had vice presidents and operations wanting me to improve the department but hr would not let me take any action for nonperformance. No way I could succeed. I know things don't stay the same and this will pass. But I need hope.
If I had the money I would take vacations, fix things around the house, clean out closets. I make lists of things to do the next day but then end up all night and then sleeping 14 to 16 hours. I hate it when the sun goes down. I feel even more lonely, I am lost and can't find my way back. Sometimes I think I have something wrong mentally with me. I don't know what to do.
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I am not sure if you will get this because you didn't leave a name or email address. I hope you do.
It sounds like you are really having a hard time and I can understand why you would feel so defeated and depressed. I am so sorry you have had so many challenges and my heart goes out to you.
First and foremost, don't give up hope. I know it doesn't seem like it right now but your happiness is totally, 100%, within your control. With a lot of courage and determination you can break out of this huge slump and live a happy, fulfilling life again!
I would recommend finding a mental health professional that you can confide in and process everything. There is so much you have been through and finding someone that can support you and help you to make sense out of this can be tremendously beneficial!
In the meantime, here are a few suggestions:
1) Get up and Go!! Even though you don't want to get up during the day do it anyway! Get out of the house and take a walk, get some exercise. You need to use exercise as a way to build your energy in your body so you can begin to feel alive again!
2) Don't play the victim
It's easy to ride the "whoa is me" wave. Don't do this. It puts you into a cycle of negativity that digs you deeper into the hole of depression.
Instead, I encourage you to claim full responsibility for where you are in your life today. Accept it (you don't have to like it) and then breathe into it lovingly, openly.
3) Design your life going forward.
Start to frame out what you want your life to look like. Write it in explicit detail as if you are currently living it!
For example: I now have a fantastic job that I love making $X / month that is very close to my house.
Once you define the specifics in writing, visualize this in your mind as if you are living that life. Consider building a vision board. Take some poster board and get a whole bunch of magazines and start cutting out pictures that represent your new reality.
Believe it is real and it will manifest in your life at some point. Don't give up.
4) Forget everyone else.
Focus on healthy relationsbips that feed your soul. The relationships that aren't doing that ... let them go for now. Send them love and light and allow yourself to take the space you need to claim you spot on this earth.
5) Take a step towards happiness everyday
Even the smallest of steps can be a victory. One victory will lead to another. Do something loving for yourself everyday no matter how small that is. Know you deserve it. Noone else can make you happy. You have to know that it is rightfully yours to claim.
It is apparent that you have sacrificed a lot of yourself for others. Perhaps it is now time to give yourself the love and attention you need to feel fulfilled again.
I am going to be launching a program early next year designed to help people get out of their depression and into their bodies. If you are interested complete the contact form and let me know.
With light and love,
Dana
