I'm trying

by Mayloni
(Phoenix, Arizona)

I'm living each day just going through the motions.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying.

Each day the same routine. The same meals. The same people. The same conversations and the same feeling.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying.

I wake up and the colors of the world slowly fade. Not even music can give it it's once bright shine. It's just dull wintery hues. It's gray. It's cold. It's empty.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying.

I work, study, and practice, telling myself there is a point. Telling myself it is what I want. Telling myself it is what makes me happy.
But it's all so dull.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying.

I can't even pretend anymore. I feel like I'm becoming more content on giving up. That smile I make? Fake. That laugh? Fake. That joy? Fake. Me? Fake.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying.

Forgive me. I know it seems easy to find that motivation. But it's not. I'm carrying it all on my own. I don't want to. I want to share it. I want to depend on my loved ones. But I cant. They won't let me.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying

They yell and scream 'lean on me'. But as soon as I do they walk away leaving me to stumble and fall. But I try. I'm trying to fight my battle.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying.

I load my self with work and school and band in hopes it will show me that I do have something to live for. Something to strive for. But all I strive for is my end.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying.

I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so hard to show that I'm hurting. I try so hard to just make it up this hill. But I'm not even half way up it. This hill has become a mountain. I've got chains. Shackled to my feet. Making the journey harder. I'm trying so hard to push through the pain. I'm screaming silently. I'm crying silently.

I'm empty, I'm dying, but I'm trying.

Someone help me! I can't do this on my own! I'm drowning! I'm suffocating! It hurts! I want it to end! I've taken it for so long! I don't know how much longer I can just take the punches before it's game over. Help! Please! I'm so tired of feeling so empty. So alone. Like I'm dying

Even when I'm trying so hard to be at least content...I don't even strive for happy anymore. I'm striving to be just okay. I can't even get there. I'm praying. I'm crying. I'm shouting. I'm screaming. Help me. This isn't fair. I want people to know I'm trying. That I'm trying SO HARD TO BE OKAY.

I DON'T CARE IF I'M HAPPY ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY.