Why am I the way that I am?

by Ronda Nelson
(Tucson, Az.)

I have this feeling inside me that makes me want to die. I push people away when I want to pull them in. I fight so hard not to feel how I feel. I just don't know how to stop. Why can't I just not be me?


I hate me. I hate how I can't control my feelings. I can't just let go or push it aside. My feelings consume me. They control everything I do. It's like a tidal wave. It wraps around me and pulls me under. The more I fight to get free the deeper it pulls me down. Choking me till I can't breathe.

I just want to breathe in the water so it can all be over. I want to make it all go away. I hate the fact that I hurt everyone around me. I don't know how they can stand me. I wish I could be the person they deserve. But I am far from. I am so damaged it shows on my face. My f#&@ed up skin is like a mask I can't escape.

I feel so far from being the person that I am. I wish I could be who I would have been if I didn't have so much trauma. All the hurt has scared me.like a person who has been burnt in a fire. So many scars they don't even look the same. I will never be the person I was meant to be. the scares hide the real me.

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Dec 18, 2020
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starstarstarstarstar 		kindred spirit
by: Anonymous

Thanks for sharing. Your not alone.
Jul 28, 2018
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starstarstarstarstar 		Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for your insight. I was in a very low moment and felt compelled to share. I was thankful I found this page. And I am thankful for your words of wisdom. Finding our light is exactly what will help in my times of darkness.

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You are very welcome, Rhonda! So happy my site has helped you. Find your light, let it shine bright and don't ever let others ever dim it! It's uniquely yours and only yours to bring forth to the world!

Big Hugs!

Dana

Jul 11, 2018
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by: Dana

Rhonda,

The way you feel is not uncommon. So many of us feel like we are frauds ... pretending to be someone we're not.

You speak of trying to control your feelings and there in lies a problem. You can't control how you feel. You simply need to surrender to your feelings. Feel them, own them and then let them go. This way, they are processed and not standing in the way.

Feelings are organic. We feel what we feel. It's what we do with them that matters. The actions we take (or don't take) as a result of them. Choose wisely.

We all suffer. None of us are immune. However, it's what we do as a result of our suffering that matters. I encourage you to use it as a way to learn more about yourself, others and life. Approach your issues with curiosity and awareness. In doing so, you'll shift your energy and start moving in a positive direction.

I hope this helps! Find your light and let it shine bright!

Dana

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